Dealing with Toxic In-Law Drama

Have you had to deal with In-law D-R-A-M-A..I had to capitalize the word drama. Sister-in-law, mother-in-law, brother-in-law, cousin-in-law..just anything that has in-law at the end of it. Drama, drama, drama.. Read what our Editor-In-Chief had to say on this subject. You can’t truly speak on it unless you have went through it, and Prestige want to hear from our readers. Tell us your story and how you dealt with it..

For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave To his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

When I sat down to write this article I wanted to tread very softly with what I said because of course I know certain in-laws may misconstrue my words. But how can I help someone else dealing with toxic in-laws if I’m tip toeing around the subject.  We all know this is a touchy subject no matter which way you put it. And sugar coating it is not on my list. I think I am an expert in this area. I’ve dealt with the toxic in-law drama, toxic baby momma drama, and more. But the word that should stand out to you is the word dealt. That’s past tense. I dealt with it and left it alone. You must learn that in the end the only acceptance that matters is from your spouse. You can’t waste your time and energy trying to get along with in-laws that no matter what you do will persecute you.

I use to joke with other’s that I could be Super Women and save the lives of a billion people and my toxic in-laws would find some fault in that just because it was me saving them. I’ve only had to deal with a few toxic in-laws, because my other in-laws have been wonderful, respectful, and has accepted me, and I love and respect them so. I even love and respect the toxic ones.

Once you’ve done all that you can to work with your in-laws and they still continue to act in an immature way. You have to let it go and devote your time and energy on yourself, your marriage, and your household. You have to realize that it’s not in some people to be civil and act like adults. But you have to be what they are not. Believe me when it come down to the sensitive subject of toxic in-laws, no one comes out a winner, no matter what all sides come out loosing.

What is a toxic in-law?

Toxic in-laws are in-laws who through various means try to cause friction and chaos on you and your marriage. These means can be clear and aggressive, or even subtle and sneaky. One example is attempts to control you through “guilt-peddling” (always asking for money, & etc) I call these the “repeat offenders” (the constant borrowers). Toxic in-laws are usually unapologetic and often unrelenting. Quick to persecute you but pretend they don’t understand the wrong that they do. Hypocrite is another word for it. Who take their dislike for you out on your spouse and/or children. Prestige readers do you think I defined that clear enough?  Read below on 10 ways of dealing with in-law drama.

1.       Your in-laws only know what you tell them or what they may hear. If they are friends on your social site, then why even post when you’re having problems with your spouse on the web. Even if they weren’t your friend why post your relationship problems on the World Wide Web. You need to set some boundaries with your spouse on what information to share with your in-laws. When you go to them every time you have a problem in your relationship, the majority of the time they will hear about the problem but turn a deaf ear to you saying you’ve resolved the problem. Remember the problems that go on in your relationship needs to be resolved privately between you and your spouse.

2.       You must communicate with your spouse about the difficulties that you’re having with your in-laws and he/she may be able to provide some suggestions about resolving the issues you’re having with them. Work with your spouse and show that you wish to work with your in-laws to find a solution, even if your in-laws are not willing to work with you.

3.       When you married your spouse you took vows and promised to put your husband or wife first. You made vows to your spouse and not your in-laws. What your in-laws must realize is that your life is your life.

4.       You have to always choose your battles. Some things are better left unsaid. I know at times this may be hard especially when they intentionally do things to push your buttons. But as the saying says “think twice and speak once”. Once you learned to do just this, the more you will leave them to wallow alone in their own mess.

5.       Always avoid making your spouse choose between you and your in-laws. That is a disaster in the making. If your spouse makes that choice let it be his/her own choice. You may be dealing with some conniving in-laws and eventually your spouse will realize this. But don’t ever push your feelings onto your spouse about your in-laws.

6.       Do not allow them to manipulate you. They may accuse you of being disrespectful, make idle threats, hang up on you, say you’re going against the family, and even throw a temper tantrum like a two year old. They will test you to see if you will back down, but it is extremely important that you stand your ground.

7.       You have to unite as a couple and not allow in-laws to divide you. Refuse to listen to in-laws gossip about your spouse. Respectfully correct them when they negatively bash your spouse. This will relay to your in-laws those boundaries that you will not allow them to cross when it comes to your marriage. You can always put an in-law in their place and set those boundaries without being rude in the way that you do it. Yes again your in-laws will not like this and will probably act like spoiled kids, but you and your spouse must commit to a loving resolution while at the same time presenting a united front.

8.       You can’t hold grudges against your in-laws. You have to be honest with them in a respectful but still in a firm manner. Acting in the childish manner as they act only put you at their level.

9.       Always remember that the extent to which you allow them to push your buttons is the extent to which you’re letting them have power over you. Your in-laws opinions does not outrank your owns and those of your spouse and you don’t need their approval on anything. You are an adult and you have to act like one even when others are not.

10. Don’t ever allow their negativity effect what goes on in your house. If  you are doing a lot of arguing about your  in-laws then that means you’re not communicating. Your home is you and your spouse sanctuary. Don’t ever allow them to cause chaos in it.

Look Prestige readers I know it’s easier said than done in certain situations. But when all else fails, your responsibility lies with your spouse and not with your in-laws.  Some toxic in-laws will always be toxic. But as long as you continue to build that bond with your spouse, then  nothing they do will tear down what the both of you have worked to build. You have to always work to keep harmony in the sanctuary of your home, and keep that outside drama out of it.  Doing this only strengthens the bond that you and your spouse share. Even if your in-laws turn against your spouse continue to provide the support that he/she needs. Withstand even when they have given up.