1. Emotions are Important, but for Different Reasons
The big difference here is the role the emotion of love plays in having sex for both men and women. Women generally need to feel loved before they have sex, because being loved makes them feel protected. This may not be so much of an issue if they’re having sex with someone they know won’t become a romantic partner. However, if the long-term relationship possibility is there or at least desired, women are going to want to feel the love before providing the sex.
Men, on the other hand, usually don’t need to feel love to have sex. However, having sex can cause them to begin to feel love. The act of having sex will bring on the love if men are with a woman for whom they see long-term potential. Having sex makes them feel emotionally close and that feeling of closeness leads to love for men. It’s a classic “chicken and egg” scenario with men and women regarding sex, and someone has to give in first in this scenario for a relationship to begin.
2. Romance vs. Hormones
Hormones play some role in any type of sexual desire. However, they aren’t as important for women as they are for men. Women can get turned on at any time through romantic gestures from their men. A simple, sweet gesture from her guy can put her in the mood quite easily. Time of day and surroundings don’t matter.
Men’s libidos work mainly on hormones alone. Those hormones peak at certain times of the day, usually in the mornings. That’s why so many men wake up wanting a “quickie.” They may appreciate romantic gestures from their partners and think those gestures are sweet. However, when it comes to wanting sex, the hormones have the final say, not the romance.
3. Sex After Fighting: Yes or No?
Conflict in a relationship can make women feel insecure. They may feel the relationship is on shaky ground and that their partner may leave them. It’s no wonder they are quite often decidedly not in the mood for sex until a fight has been resolved. Any lingering insecurity from an unresolved fight will remove their sexual desire completely. Once things have simmered down and there has been some show of affection toward her on the man’s part, then she will be open to sex again.
Men aren’t bothered by such things. A fight? So what? To a man, that should be no barrier to sex. In fact, most men become excited after a fight and a primal instinct kicks in to want to “conquer” the woman by having her submit to his sexual desires. He may actually want sex more during a fight than after the fight is resolved. Having sex is actually the man’s way of resolving the conflict.
4. Rules for Monogamy
Monogamy may or may not be a natural part of being human. Scientists aren’t decided on that yet. However, men and women do feel quite differently regarding sex when it comes to being in a monogamous relationship. Some key differences include:
- Women prefer monogamous sex to always include as much foreplay and fun as it did in the beginning of the relationship.
- They want their men to instinctively know what they want in bed without having to tell them.
- They do not want to be bothered about having sex when they’re stressed or have a lot going on.
- They don’t want to have sex if they’re not feeling sexy for any reason, regardless of whether the man thinks they look sexy or not.
- They do not want to be made to feel guilty by the man if they’re not in the mood for sex.
- They would prefer their long-term partners to remain as kinky and open to new sexual ideas and adventures as when they first met.
- They prefer it when their partners initiate things or take on different sexual personas at times. This keeps things interesting for men in long-term relationships.
5. Variety: It’s Not for Everyone
The desires of men in monogamous relationships indicate they prefer variety. Women aren’t into it so much. In fact, most women recoil at the idea of “novelty sex.” This fundamental misunderstanding between the two genders regarding what they want sexually is the primary factor in keeping adult novelty stores in business. Men go in those places to buy kinky sex toys and fantasy dress-up clothes to mix it up in the bedroom at home, while women just look at those things as burdensome bothers. They may use the toys or outfits once to please their man, then refuse to do so again, causing the man to have spent what was probably a lot of money on something the woman only tried once in a half-hearted fashion to try to keep him happy.
It all comes down to women wanting security and men wanting variety when it comes to sex. Once both sides know the real needs and desires of the other, they can become more respectful and accommodating to each other. Compromises can be reached. It is then that sex can become truly good and fulfilling for both parties.
Toxic People Who Love Playing the Blame Game
Are you constantly being blamed for someone else’s failures and mistakes? You may be trapped in the blame game perpetrated by toxic people.
I used to think I was cursed. I used to think I could do nothing right when it came to them, or let me say “he”, “we”, “me”. Let me explain my words of he, we, me… I use these terms because this involve not only myself but as well my husband. We have been on the constant receiving end by certain individuals of the “blame game”. At time I would think finally things are turning around, but after a while the leopards always showed their strips along with as always their “blame game and manipulative ways”. No matter what “he”, “we”, “me” did it was always never good enough, at times making me look at myself, second guess myself and fault myself. This is what these toxic people led me to believe, as if every bad thing that happened seemed to fall on my shoulders. I was a victim of the blame game, a complicated and manipulative trick that went on for years.
I no longer blame myself for every “bad” thing that happens, in fact, I fight back against anyone who tries to blame me for their own faults. And as well educate others on what sort of people are prone to do these things.
Who plays the blame game?
There are certain types of individuals who live by this rule. They are used to always getting their way, getting attention, and most of all, blaming anyone but themselves for the mishaps in their lives. Pay attention to the small details when someone tries to lay blame on you. They could be playing the blame game, and unfortunately, it could be a deep-seated part of their character. Here are a few types of people who are experts at this manipulative tactic.
The eternal “victim”
If you’ve ever met the eternal “victim,” then you know how difficult getting through to them can be. While they seem harmless at first, their words and actions can be toxic. The victim never lets go of past hurts or offenses, always blaming others for their inability to move forward in life.
The “victim” will blame even the most obvious of their own flaws on anyone they can reach or talk to. If they have an angry outburst, it is because of the abuse they suffered in childhood. If they steal, it’s because of their misfortune in the past that has lead them to a life of crime, etc. etc. They will relay sob stories and if you have ever failed them, they will remind you, for many years to come, of your failure. The blame game comes naturally to their mentality.
This character is one of the most toxic manipulators. The narcissist thrives off attention, and when they fail to get that attention, then they generally move on. They also thrive off the blame game. A narcissist is never wrong and anything that happens to them is never their fault. The reason for this is because this type of person wants you to believe they are superior, even though deep down inside, they know they’re not.
They feel the depths of their inferiority like no other. Honestly, they are crippled by low self-esteem and will do anything to prove the opposite. This includes never taking responsibility for their actions. They are dangerous and unhealthy people to be around.
Okay, there’s not much elaboration to be had when it comes to this individual. The pathological liar will lie about anything, even if they don’t really feel it’s necessary to do so. Even the small things will be reason enough to be untruthful. So, using the blame game on others seems quite fitting for them.
Since they lie all the time, blaming their failures on others will be as simple as doing whatever it takes to make the blame stick. They will resort to stealing if they have to, in order to match their lies to the facts. It’s amazing how creative a pathological liar can get when shifting blame to someone who just isn’t responsible in the least.
Those with low self-esteem
This one is a little trickier to understand. People with low self-esteem would seem like the last ones who you’d think would shift blame. However, sometimes the self-esteem falls so low that, in defense, these individuals may desperately try the blame game in order to improve their self-image.
I found that as a person’s self-esteem drop they tend to look for reasons to pull others down with them. Doing that would elevate how they felt about myself. Unfortunately, this don’t work and ultimately lead to worse feelings after the blame game ended.
Then you have the arrogant or egotistical individual who will always play the blame game. This is usually an everyday activity for this character, walking around with an inflated ego and placing the responsibility for their actions on everyone else. In doing so, the arrogant person is able to retain their elevated status, as a self-proclaimed superior human being.
It’s easy to recognize an arrogant person, as well. They tend to flaunt their abilities at blaming others and make no move to improve themselves or try to be better people. I believe those who are arrogant are some of the hardest people to reach when it comes to making them face responsibilities.
Okay, yes, I said it. You might not have bad intentions and you might absolutely hate those words I just used, but control freaks will never be at blame for anything. Why? Because to admit failure would be to lose control of the situation and of yourself. People who always want to retain control will be prone to play the blame game as well.
How can we stop playing this game?
Unfortunately, some people may never stop playing the blame game, and this grieves my heart. I remember trying to sit down and talk to certain individuals in my life about the blame game that that they constantly showed, about this was causing a rift in the relationship we had as a family. This only angered them and caused resentment and their dislike and hatred only grew even more.
People have to realize that if you are willing, however, to look at yourself with fresh eyes, then there is hope. There may also be others whom you know that suffer from this “blame game” mentality. If you are a blame gamer the steps below is needed for you to help yourself and rebuild relationships that have been destroyed because of these actions.
One of the first and most important steps in ending the blame game is to admit you could possibly be wrong! Yes, it’s true! That mistake that was made could actually be your fault! Admitting your responsibility opens the way for a change. This is where we start, and now’s the time to drop the manipulative tactics.
One of the most fulfilling parts of life is being able to see things in different perspectives. If you struggle with understanding why someone is telling you that you made a mistake, then maybe you cannot see things in any other perspective other than your own view. It’s times to see things through other people’s eyes for a change.
Stop trying to control everything around you. You will never be able to fix, find, save, or know everything, so get over it. When you learn to release a little control, then you will be able to understand things, situations, and people better.
Basically, it’s time to take responsibility for your own actions. You are an adult and fully capable of making mistakes and owning up to those mistakes. Instead of spending so much energy looking for a way to deny your issues, use that same energy to become better at your downfalls.
The Challenges of Being a Stepmom
I know first hand that being a stepmom is a job no one gets right in the beginning. For me it is one of the hardest job I’ve ever had. I have been challenged emotionally, intellectually, and physically. I have been forced to define and redefine myself as a woman, a family member and as…
I know first hand that being a stepmom is a job no one gets right in the beginning. For me it is one of the hardest job I’ve ever had. I have been challenged emotionally, intellectually, and physically. I have been forced to define and redefine myself as a woman, a family member and as a spouse. And I’ve concealed and weathered such hurt and pain at the hands of my stepchildren treating me with rejection, apathy, hostility, betrayal and even threatened physical harm to me. But I will say this, that I’ve never felt such dislike or unwelcome-ness in my forty plus years on this earth. In a funny but sad way sometimes it is so confusing just trying to understand their hot-and-cold behavior. For example at times I get along great with them and then there are other times I’m treated as if I am a communicable disease.
Now I will admit this, that one of my step-kids and I were close for a period of time, well let me restate that, I thought my step-kid and I were close for a period of time, but a few years ago it all went so far sour, it was beyond crazy, and when I say crazy, I mean crazy. It was like a rug was pulled from under me. To be told that I was nothing, and never have been anything to a person whom I love, and treated like my own, to me was just unforgivable. To be threatened physically, and lied on in such a vindictive way was just too much I feel for anyone to endure. I could have came back with fists a blazing or acting in an irrational way that was honestly beneath me, but I didn’t, after being talked down and calming down I realized that it wasn’t worth it. That being the bigger, more mature and sane person was the way to go. And I’m glad I did that because it left me in control and not allowing a person to control me, my emotions, feelings and actions. But it did give me insight into exactly what this person had been feeling and thinking of me all the while pretending to care for me. So it was very hard to deal with, but in time I did forgive my step-kid. I had to, because I couldn’t allow a person to control my emotions and make me second guess who I was as a person. But at the same time I had to take a step back from my step-child and the tornadic situation in itself. I try my best to surround myself with people who love and support me and those who don’t you can best believe you always have to stay alert and watch your back with. But who knows maybe well down the road we will come to be in a better place but for now it’s a process in a process that I feel is unhealthy and toxic for me. So I choose to love them from a distance and devote my time and energy to people and things that’s positive and loving in my life.
I know you’ve heard the saying “ Damned if I do and damned if I don’t”, well that sums it up in a nutshell for me because no matter what I did…….they didn’t like me. I turned myself inside out trying to please them but still……they didn’t like me. Some days it felt like they even hated me for breathing. Throughout their lives I bent over backwards to show how good and kind hearted of a person I am, but not a pushover either, in hopes that one day they would come around and hopefully we have a better relationship. But it’s been over 20 years, and no matter what, every time I think we’re taking steps forward, they do or say something that shows me that forward is not the direction they’re wishing to go with me. As the quote says “Don’t worry about those who talk about you behind your back, they’re behind you for a reason”. And I truly believe that. You have to spend your emotional resources on people and events that are deserving of you.
Now after over 20 years in, I can say I am a better person for having helped my husband raise his children. The survival of our marriage through all of this has made it stronger and made us communicate even more. There is no sure fire way to bring peace and understanding to a relationship with your stepchildren, but hopefully my recommendations will be a start.
The Wicked Stepmom Stereotype
It doesn’t make anything easier by having the word wicked being the first word associated with being a stepmother. There are so many times that being a step mom has made me want to scream, cry, and pull my hair out all at the same time. But also there have been some good times with them. Be yourself and hopefully when they’re ready they will come around and you will have a great relationship with them. And if that doesn’t happen, feel great knowing you’ve done all you could do.
Your Self-Esteem May Be Put To The Test
It seems no matter how nice you are to your step children, at times you may get ignored, disrespected, and tested in so many ways. But if you don’t have a strong sense of self-worth, your insecurities will have you doubting your every move. I jokingly have said that I could cut my arm off for one of them, and they would find fault in that. Don’t ever allow anyone to make you doubt yourself, that’s only giving them power over you and who you are. Always love yourself and know your self-worth and don’t settle for anything less than the best.
They Love Me-They Love Me Not…..Loving Them & Them Loving You
I think as a step parent you’ve heard the saying “love them like they’re your own”. And to me that can be some of the worse advise. To me it goes up there with the saying “when you married him you married his family.”…..Wrong….. Just because you’re in love with someone doesn’t automatically mean you love his kids, and it’s no where that says this is a prerequisite for a loving and successful blended family. Look I’ve went many Birthdays, Mother’s Days, Christmases, just any day with out even a kind gesture from my step children. I’ve lost close love ones, and had surgeries and never even received a “condolence or get well wish.” No matter what they were going through I was there for them, and that will never change, because that’s the kind of person I am. You may not receive a lot of love, if any from your step children but never allow that to take away from the person you are. As a step-parent you should strive to act in a loving, kind and respectful way and if love develops from them or you, just consider that a wonderful added bonus.
Your Relationship With Your Spouse Must Come First
One of the worst mistakes couples sometimes make is putting their relationship on the back burner or in other words last. Your relationship can’t survive whenever you allow anyone to come between you. You have to be strong as a couple and communicate and stand together. You did make the vows and said “for better or worse.” Always try and keep as much harmony in your home as possible and keep the drama with the ones trying to cause the drama. I am so thankful that I have a partner that love, support and is committed to us having a solid foundation and not allowing lies and vindictive actions come between what we’ve built. And at the same time see through what’s fact and what’s fiction. His support throughout all of this has been some of what’s given me the strength to preserver and again leave the drama with those that’s causing the drama. You having communication and openness with your spouse is key. Remember, prioritizing your marriage isn’t done at the expense of the children but it’s done for them. They need a solid foundation. So you always put your marriage and spouse first.
Understand The So-Called “Loyalty Bind”
Look a lot of children worry that their acceptance of a step-parent mean they’re betraying their biological parent. They may feel or have been taught to feel that if they accept you, like you or even love you that it would hurt or anger the biological mother. And sadly with some insecure mothers, they are jealous, hurt and angry. In these situations the step children feeling this way does increase their need to show their “loyalty bind” to the biological parent by rejecting and being hostile to you simply just to show their loyalty and love to the other parent. As I say, it is what it is. It’s no way to sugar-coat this scenario. But you have to let your step children know that you’re not trying to replace their mom but that you would love to have a good relationship with them as well. I’m not going to lie, this will be very hard because of you having to work extra hard because you’re having to contend with a biological parent that is insecure within themselves and thus pushes it off onto the child. I’m not saying that you can break the chain from a step child that feels having a relationship with you would mean to other parent that they’re not loyal. It may be hard but you have to at least try and break that insecure chain that the other parent may be placing the child in. And in case this is not due to the pressure of the biological mom, then you and that biological parent sitting down and explaining this to the child may be the best way of them understanding this.
Be Open To Letting Go
You have to be open to the chance that you may never be close to all or any of your step children. They may feel they don’t need to or may feel having a relationship with you causes their loyalty to be questioned when it come to the other parent. But remember there is enormous grace and courage in being able to bow out and let go. This is completely different than giving up. It is up to that step child to hopefully one day come around and have a change of heart. Everybody situation is different but I promise you there is always some common vulnerabilities. There is no family that’s smooth sailing all the time, but any family have the potential to rise above those challenges and come away with something that is so extraordinary. Good Luck
Dealing with Toxic In-Law Drama
Have you had to deal with In-law D-R-A-M-A..I had to capitalize the word drama. Sister-in-law, mother-in-law, brother-in-law, cousin-in-law..just anything that has in-law at the end of it. Drama, drama, drama.. Read what our Editor-In-Chief had to say on this subject. You can’t truly speak on it unless you have went through it, and Prestige want to…
Have you had to deal with In-law D-R-A-M-A..I had to capitalize the word drama. Sister-in-law, mother-in-law, brother-in-law, cousin-in-law..just anything that has in-law at the end of it. Drama, drama, drama.. Read what our Editor-In-Chief had to say on this subject. You can’t truly speak on it unless you have went through it, and Prestige want to hear from our readers. Tell us your story and how you dealt with it..
For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave To his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)
When I sat down to write this article I wanted to tread very softly with what I said because of course I know certain in-laws may misconstrue my words. But how can I help someone else dealing with toxic in-laws if I’m tip toeing around the subject. We all know this is a touchy subject no matter which way you put it. And sugar coating it is not on my list. I think I am an expert in this area. I’ve dealt with the toxic in-law drama, toxic baby momma drama, and more. But the word that should stand out to you is the word dealt. That’s past tense. I dealt with it and left it alone. You must learn that in the end the only acceptance that matters is from your spouse. You can’t waste your time and energy trying to get along with in-laws that no matter what you do will persecute you.
I use to joke with other’s that I could be Super Women and save the lives of a billion people and my toxic in-laws would find some fault in that just because it was me saving them. I’ve only had to deal with a few toxic in-laws, because my other in-laws have been wonderful, respectful, and has accepted me, and I love and respect them so. I even love and respect the toxic ones.
Once you’ve done all that you can to work with your in-laws and they still continue to act in an immature way. You have to let it go and devote your time and energy on yourself, your marriage, and your household. You have to realize that it’s not in some people to be civil and act like adults. But you have to be what they are not. Believe me when it come down to the sensitive subject of toxic in-laws, no one comes out a winner, no matter what all sides come out loosing.
What is a toxic in-law?
Toxic in-laws are in-laws who through various means try to cause friction and chaos on you and your marriage. These means can be clear and aggressive, or even subtle and sneaky. One example is attempts to control you through “guilt-peddling” (always asking for money, & etc) I call these the “repeat offenders” (the constant borrowers). Toxic in-laws are usually unapologetic and often unrelenting. Quick to persecute you but pretend they don’t understand the wrong that they do. Hypocrite is another word for it. Who take their dislike for you out on your spouse and/or children. Prestige readers do you think I defined that clear enough? Read below on 10 ways of dealing with in-law drama.
1. Your in-laws only know what you tell them or what they may hear. If they are friends on your social site, then why even post when you’re having problems with your spouse on the web. Even if they weren’t your friend why post your relationship problems on the World Wide Web. You need to set some boundaries with your spouse on what information to share with your in-laws. When you go to them every time you have a problem in your relationship, the majority of the time they will hear about the problem but turn a deaf ear to you saying you’ve resolved the problem. Remember the problems that go on in your relationship needs to be resolved privately between you and your spouse.
2. You must communicate with your spouse about the difficulties that you’re having with your in-laws and he/she may be able to provide some suggestions about resolving the issues you’re having with them. Work with your spouse and show that you wish to work with your in-laws to find a solution, even if your in-laws are not willing to work with you.
3. When you married your spouse you took vows and promised to put your husband or wife first. You made vows to your spouse and not your in-laws. What your in-laws must realize is that your life is your life.
4. You have to always choose your battles. Some things are better left unsaid. I know at times this may be hard especially when they intentionally do things to push your buttons. But as the saying says “think twice and speak once”. Once you learned to do just this, the more you will leave them to wallow alone in their own mess.
5. Always avoid making your spouse choose between you and your in-laws. That is a disaster in the making. If your spouse makes that choice let it be his/her own choice. You may be dealing with some conniving in-laws and eventually your spouse will realize this. But don’t ever push your feelings onto your spouse about your in-laws.
6. Do not allow them to manipulate you. They may accuse you of being disrespectful, make idle threats, hang up on you, say you’re going against the family, and even throw a temper tantrum like a two year old. They will test you to see if you will back down, but it is extremely important that you stand your ground.
7. You have to unite as a couple and not allow in-laws to divide you. Refuse to listen to in-laws gossip about your spouse. Respectfully correct them when they negatively bash your spouse. This will relay to your in-laws those boundaries that you will not allow them to cross when it comes to your marriage. You can always put an in-law in their place and set those boundaries without being rude in the way that you do it. Yes again your in-laws will not like this and will probably act like spoiled kids, but you and your spouse must commit to a loving resolution while at the same time presenting a united front.
8. You can’t hold grudges against your in-laws. You have to be honest with them in a respectful but still in a firm manner. Acting in the childish manner as they act only put you at their level.
9. Always remember that the extent to which you allow them to push your buttons is the extent to which you’re letting them have power over you. Your in-laws opinions does not outrank your owns and those of your spouse and you don’t need their approval on anything. You are an adult and you have to act like one even when others are not.
10. Don’t ever allow their negativity effect what goes on in your house. If you are doing a lot of arguing about your in-laws then that means you’re not communicating. Your home is you and your spouse sanctuary. Don’t ever allow them to cause chaos in it.
Look Prestige readers I know it’s easier said than done in certain situations. But when all else fails, your responsibility lies with your spouse and not with your in-laws. Some toxic in-laws will always be toxic. But as long as you continue to build that bond with your spouse, then nothing they do will tear down what the both of you have worked to build. You have to always work to keep harmony in the sanctuary of your home, and keep that outside drama out of it. Doing this only strengthens the bond that you and your spouse share. Even if your in-laws turn against your spouse continue to provide the support that he/she needs. Withstand even when they have given up.
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